– Welcome to Stoner
Memory, our newest segment. – I don’t know. I either killed a dog on my
way here, or forgot weed. – Did I fall asleep
on a small child? – (laughs) Did I SIDS a kid? – Oh no! (rock music) – Not every dog’s a good boy. – [Dan] That’s impossible. – Nah, you saw a dog last night. – That was a good boy.
– Nah that was a bad boy. – [Dan] That was a good boy. – No that’s a bad boy.
– It’s a misunderstood boy. I can change him. – No, you can’t dude.
– I can change him. – No he’s got a
scar on his face. – Oh he just needs to meet me! – He made some aggressive
tattoo decisions and everything he’s gonna have to live with
for the rest of his life. – He just needs these
under the chin scratches, and a lotta this. – Corporate America’s not ready for what he’s
bringing to the table. – Should we rehabilitate
criminals like that? – “You shut your mouth,
you are a good boy!” – He goes, “You know what? “I feel bad about that
family I murdered, “but damn, those chin
scratches feel good.” – You know you’re a good boy. No. No some of them can’t
be rehabilitated. Remember there was a dog
that bit (beep) face off? – What did she do?
– That was a bad boy. She came over and pet the dog. – I remember that.
– Yeah. – That was fuckin’ wild. – I know. Turned a model into
a monster. (laughs) In one chomp. – Yeah dude, a dog coming
and smashing your face, I had that happen
when I was six. – [Jay] But your face? I got bit on the
leg once by a dog. I made a big Jewish
stink about it. – 43 stitches.
– Really? In your face? – Yeah see right there? That was the one
closest to my eye. – Dude if you popped out
a fake eye right now. You go, “Oh yeah look.” – That thing’s been glass
the whole time. (laughs) – Oh, what the Sandy
Duncan is this? – Oh my God! Okay hold on. – I gotta explain
to our young fans, no one ever gets my references. Sandy Duncan was the
replacement for Valerie Harper on the show Valerie when they
changed to The Hogan Family. Great young comedic work by
Jason Bateman and Jeremy Licht, and then when Sandy
Duncan came on, it got well known and
documented, I believe, Christine you can fact
check this, glass eye. – Pretty cool. – [Christine] Wait,
who had a glass eye? – I just wanna say what’s up-
– Sandy Duncan had a glass eye please look it up.
– I wanna say what’s up to all the Bonfire
Sandy Duncans. We see you with your glass eye. – I see you. I half see you.
– We respect you. – Unfortunately you
only half see us. – Yeah.
– Longstanding misconception but he did go blind. – Wait what?
– So he didn’t have, no glass eye?
– There’s no he. Sandy Duncan is a she.
– You don’t know– – [Christine] Oh it is
a she, she is a she. – I know she’s a she,
you’re not telling me that– – Whoa you misgendered.
– I’ve told you that. – Misgendered!
– Yeah you way misgendered. – You’re gone, bye!
– Wow. – Canceled!
– Canceled, can you get a stamp
that goes “canceled”? Canceled!
– She played Peter Pan on Broadway.
– She played Peter Pan. – She played who?
– I knew that. – Sandy Duncan.
– I was aware of that too. I was aware of that, fuck yeah. – Oh you guys are
dunkin’ on Duncan? – A couple of Dunc-heads. Yeah dude. Fuck Valerie Harper. I’ll say it.
– You know what a lot of people don’t know, she is actually
Tim Duncan’s aunt. – (laughs) What? That is surprising,
through marriage. – Through marriage
but they’re close. – I wish you had any
point of reference on what Sandy Duncan looks like to know how funny that would be. – I just saw the picture. – But I mean she was
a little tiny lady. – Well her nephew is one of
the most dominant big men in NBA history. – Didn’t she take over? Who took over Facts of Life? Cloris Leachman. And then they brought in a boy, a young boy to hang
out with those– – That was their
cousin Oliver move? Who’s gonna be
our cousin Oliver? – Shit.
– How do you know the Bonfire’s–
– I thought that was what Black Lou was. – No cousin Oliver was– – Black Lou was Seven on
Married… With Children. – We have to bring in a child
comedian to make it adorable. – Oh totally, yeah. Danny Cooksey, dude. My bucket list person who
sends us over the edge? – Yeah.
– The shark jumper. – The shark jump.
– Cooksey. – Who’s Cooksey?
– Danny Cooksey? – Yeah. – It’s “Sam, I’m gonna
kill your parents.” – Oh. – He was John Conner’s
friend at the arcade. – He was also in
Salute Your Shorts! – Salute Your Shorts! Can we add in a sound bite of
me really cracking him there? Salute Your fuckin’ Shorts! You got it! I’m so proud of you I
have to hit your face! – I gotta do a CTE stance. No I’m fine. Ow. – You don’t have CTE, do you? – Oh that wrestler.
– Did I CTE you? – Yeah. And now I gotta suck off
a dude and kill two people outside of a nightclub.
– Oh my God. It’s always how it goes. – We should start blaming
CTE for everything. – Every gay hate crime? CTE strikes again. – You go, “Dude, Soder, were
you making out with that dude?” I go, “CTE.” – Yeah did you see that
guy who killed everyone in a gay nightclub? And he goes, “Well before
we attack a victim–” – Did he have CTE?
– “Did this guy take any shots in Pop Warner?”
– Yeah! What position did he play? Was he interior
line or exterior? If he was a tackle he’s getting
his head smashed every play. – He goes, “What you don’t know
about the 9/11 terrorists.” – All CTE. 13 confirmed cases. – He goes, “Every one of them–” – Ozzy rules football.
– He goes, “Every one of them, “offensive linemen, I’m not
saying that’s why they did it, “I’m just saying, we
should factor it in.” – Yeah one of
their letters said, “Save my brain for science.” – Save my brain for
science. (laughs) I’m putting my brain
in the black box. – (laughs) “Give
me the black box!” “Why?” “I want to save my
brain for science!” – And he just closes
his head in it. – Hi, I’m Dan Soder
from The Bonfire. You might’ve found what
we just said unfunny. If so, you probably got a
glass eye, you fuckin’ weirdo. – Yeah, fuckin’ damn Sandy
Duncan sickafant idiot. – Are you here ’cause of Duncan? Did she send you? – Do you think anybody ever
got a voluntary glass eye? Well you know people get
volunteer amputations. – What? – Buddy, we might have
a show subject today. You wanna watch videos
of people talking about, asking, they go– – Oh I thought you were
saying videos of amputations. – Buddy, no, no, I’m saying a
video where someone just goes, “I don’t wanna live
with this dumb arm.” And then someone
does it for them. – That’s not real. (fire crackles)